Dear Birthmom.

Dear Birthmom.

In private adoption, you often have to write what’s termed a “Dear Birthmom” letter. You introduce yourself and try to connect with an expectant mom who is considering making an adoption plan for her baby. If she likes your letter and photos and video, she could choose you to parent her child.

Five years ago this would have been a very different letter. Because I was a very different person.

It would have been simpler, easier. Because I knew less. And thought I knew more.

But now. I have no good words.

In one sense, I want to say everything. Which means that I should say nothing. And listen. But in a letter, it’s hard to listen. And it’s awkward to not write anything.

But the everything I want to say is awkward too.

I want to let her know how much I believe biology matters and that this little one’s heart and mind will always be connected to her.

I want to plead with her to not run away from relationship with him as he grows up. To promise it’s worth the risk.

I want to hug her and sit for a long time crying over the goodbyes we say to kids we love. Mine being only a taste enough to help me learn to cry and sit.

But this letter isn’t about me. It’s about her. And the very big decision she is trying to make for her little one.

So ultimately what I most hope to say is that I’m rooting for her and her baby, not for me and her baby. Whether that means she physically cares for her baby or I do. Or somebody else does.

She’s not picking my husband and me. She’s picking her baby. And picking the very best path ahead she can find for her baby.

And no matter who that is or what she chooses she’s a good, brave mama.

I hope she hears that.


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  1. Pam Hollinger

    Your words always bring tears to my eyes. I truly get what you are saying, and everything you didn’t. Both are so powerful. God bless you!

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