Starting over.

Starting over.


The idea of fostering again is daunting.

For lots of reasons, but my heart keeps coming back to one. Starting over.

After 18 months of growing love and building trust, our precious foster son moved across the country to live with a biological relative.

Naturally, I miss him something terrible.

I miss his impossibly silly faces and the way he always ran with his arms sticking out straight behind his back like Sonic the Hedgehog. I miss his endless Flash themes and how he said “fiddlefart” when something didn’t go his way.

I knew the things he liked and the things he didn’t. And he knew that.

He knew he was known and loved here.

But he didn’t know that on day one or even on day a hundred and one. It took months of hard  to get there.

When a child has been pulled from his family and placed in a stranger’s home, trust doesn’t come easily.

We have to earn it slowly. Overcoming hurts we didn’t cause and triggers we don’t know.

It takes showing up and coming through. It takes more encouragement than feels healthy. And more yeses than feel responsible.

For us that looked like things we never dreamed of. Stopping every morning at the corner store so he could walk into his new school with a bag of his favorite chips. Buying the Jordan shoes that were far more expensive than my own sneakers. Even learning how to play video games.

It takes these things multiplied by time. By months and sometimes years.

After investing all of myself to build trust, I’m wondering if I’m strong enough to do it again. If I have the emotional endurance to start over.

5 Comments

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  1. Denise

    This is so heart felt and beautiful…
    So many look at foster care as a magic bandaid that can “fix” everything..
    You havs shown that it is not…
    Time….lots of time amd lots of love and there is no magic day in which somone can say a child will feel that love or trust, exspecially if they did not have that in their family…
    I feel based on the love you shoed in your writting that you could do it… again.
    And at the same time i applaud you for taking that hard inner look at what you want vs what you feel you can do…
    Hugs from one foster mom to another
    🙂

  2. RG

    You do have the strength. It’s the people who don’t even consider the question that don’t have it. Listen to that voice inside your heart that tells you what next step to take, and tell that voice inside your brain to tone it down a notch.

  3. Kathi regan

    Oh you do, over and over. Every time i know a baby is leaving, my heart hurts, and i think do i have the energy to do this again? So far the answer is yes. I find a empty room a crib unused is much harder than trying again, loving again , starting again. And so it goes we start all over, and fall in love all over again, till next time

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