This time court was harder. Scarier.

I’ve been there and done that a half dozen times, and mostly it feels the same. But this time. This time something was different.

Nothing was actually different. In fact, surprisingly little has changed. While this was slotted as a permanency hearing to establish some finality for our foster son and his brother, it didn’t.

Everything and everyone is still in limbo. Waiting. Wondering.

In six months, Big D will again sit in a courtroom before a judge as she decides who he will spend his life with. He will again have the unimaginable stress of not knowing if he will get to see his mom again. Or his dad. Or us.

Every scenario includes heartbreak.

How does an eleven-year-old brave that again and again? How do we ask him to?

But we don’t ask. And he doesn’t have a choice.

So we will all do it again in six months. And it will be even harder and scarier than it was this time.

Because I don’t just choose to love him anymore. I do love him. Deep down in my bones.

And that is never going to go away. Even if he does.

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  1. Jennifer G.

    I feel your pain. One of the girls we have in our care has been with us for just over 2 years. She is too young to have to be in court for the hearings (thank goodness), but she came to us at such a young age, she doesn’t know any other “family”. She sees mommy weekly, but it is like a play date. It is hard not knowing where this is going to lead after this long. Like you, we love her to pieces and can’t imagine our life without her. :'(

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